iconic: grand velour

Admit you have a problem. You will be more willing to fix something if you acknowledge it’s existence upfront.

Be honest with yourself, your feelings and your actions. Be the first to speak up for yourself. Because until you do, the constant struggle will only stay within. It drives your insanity.

I am better at writing than I am at talking. I talk far too much and most often than not, I don’t have enough time to think about what it is I want to say. The end result is pointless banter, trivial topics and arguments about nothing.

I used to turn to writing to release a lot of my deepest thoughts from drowning me.
I will be the first to admit I have some issues in dealing with confrontation and broken relationships but I know I am not alone. Human nature means we go through emotional roller coasters. We laugh, we cry, we argue. We become obsessed with the past and all the bad things we cannot forget. We succumb to those words unspoken and wish for a chance to redeem ourselves.

and this is where all my writings take place. I have written hundreds of blog posts. Hundreds more letters, emails, essays of texts in an attempt to try and speak my mind. To the point where I don’t even know where my mind has gone or what it is that I want to say. I sit for hours thinking about what it is that I want, what sort of reaction. And by the time I figure it all out, I’ve probably written enough in asking to show someone these words that they will think less of them.

I hope you won’t. I hope you know every words, every sentence had meant something. It took a painfully long time to feel comfortable to even show you what it is that I have been thinking. The power you now have with this new found knowledge about me is so strong you could potentially ruin me.

I have chosen to be honest and truthful than to play games. I have chosen to share with you my hidden weaknesses than to be pretentious and strong. I hope you can respect that I respect you and give me that same treatment in return.

Tonight was about closure. I wrote so much. And then I accidentally pressed “back” on my iPhone and it all got deleted. I hate technology. I wish for the days of dial up Internet and traditional postings. Maybe not dial up. Maybe when cable first came out.

I am now too exhausted to try and remember what I had written so I will throw some key words in hopes that amongst them all you can tell a story -

Letters. Forgiveness. Apologies. Pain. Words. Hours. Text messages and essays. Confrontation and broken relationships. Knowledge and power. Honesty and truth over facades and immature games. Weaknesses over pretentious lies of strength. Memories. Nonchalance. Friendship and clean slates. Getting things off my chest. Out of the system. Ignorance. Anxiety. Bliss. Perhaps?

Taking big little steps now. I need to find myself a better place to grow.

It is cold and I have been crying. I can’t remember the last time I have felt the warm fulfilling sensation. Maybe a few summers back. The sunset glorious. Reds and purples cast a story across my cloudless skies. I never had a thing to worry about. I had reasons to smile.

These days I am overcome by anxiety. High levels of stress. I take everything personal. I am almost always sensitive.
I blame everything around me. Too many things often instigate a series of uncontrollable emotions. Crying. Weeping. Screaming. Beeping. Anything.

It gets so messy. How do I stop? I google dead people

I’m making The List tonight. Look out for calls, emails, messages from me.